My husband and I are coming up on thirty-nine years together this July. We’ve coached many engaged couples through their preparation for marriage and been asked, “what is the secret to a lifetime of happy marriage?” We often answer with the responses people want to hear, “We have a lot of fun together.” “We are intentional about date nights.” “We are each other’s best friend.” Sometimes, we answer with a little tougher truths, “We each give 100%.” “We are committed for life.” “Divorce is not in our vocabulary.” 

But what we rarely say is the real truth: We’ve had to learn and be willing to die to ourselves and lay down our lives for the greater good, just like Christ died for us. It’s almost like you don’t want to ruin the sweet dream-land new lovers are living in. Death is a part of the secret. And that doesn’t jibe well with young love. Once when we were sharing some of the challenges of marriage, I suddenly felt very self-aware; I was losing my audience of la-la land lovers. 

I recently heard a song that put words to my sentiments about this. Part of it is below:

And we went dancing in the minefields

We went sailing in the storms

And it was harder than we dreamed

But I believe that’s what the promise is for

Well “I do” are the two most famous last words

The beginning of the end

But to lose your life for another I’ve heard

Is a good place to begin

‘Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down

(“Dancing in the Minefields”, by Andrew Peterson)

How do we communicate this most beautiful of truths? “For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.” (I Corinthians 1:18, NIV 2011) 

The shaping of my character, and that of my husband’s is worth so much more than anything we could have gained had we not been living this committed life together under the shadow of the cross. We often joke about how we wouldn’t like us if we met the 20-something’s us now. We’ve got a long way to go, but we’ve come so far. Maybe we need more sanding and polishing than most. I’m certain there are people who look at us and wonder if we’ve even met Jesus; we often don’t reflect His character at all. 

But committed is the key word there - we very firmly believed on our wedding day that we were making an irrevocable commitment to each other before God for a lifetime, come what may. But we are not committed for commitment’s sake. We also believe that we are in the business of shaping one another because we are becoming one. The work he does on me is for his benefit as well. We grow individually, and we grow as a team. He moves forward. Then I move forward. And then the “us” moves forward. More and more, with each passing year, looking more like the sacrificial, loving character of Jesus. 

I feel so much more comfortable with this man than I did 39 years ago. In this process, we have seen the worst in each other, and yet because we are committed to this relationship, we can be ourselves, be honest, make adjustments, forgive, and GROW. I wouldn’t have been able to move forward in growth if I hadn’t been able to truly be myself, expose my underbelly and see the love of God expressed through this life partner. Nobody sees me like he does. No one ever will. I can be the most friendly neighbor, the most devoted church member, the nicest Nana around, but my husband sees the unholy attitudes, the knee-jerk reactions, the judgmental spirit. This is where true growth can be cultivated. 

Is it all toil and sweat and hard grinding work? The funny thing is, as we have grown closer to each other and moved closer to this Jesus-image we are helping each other to achieve, we are enjoying one another more! I mean, wouldn’t you want to live with a person who is like Jesus? We talk about everything, take risks together and try new things, enjoy the family we’ve built, pray together and trust God for all kinds of things, and generally explore the world together. I know what he likes. He knows what I like. We are known by each other, and we still love each other. It takes work. It is all effort. We can’t let our guard down. But so worth it. He’s in my corner and I’m in his. 

Tim Keller says, “We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.” (The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller)

“For whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:39, NIV 2011)