October 4: Just before we took our trip to Italy last month, I was pondering Jesus’ time in the wilderness just as He was beginning His public ministry. The Bible tells us that He went into a solitary place for forty days. I tried to think about what it would be like to be given the order, “go into the wilderness.”

Perhaps that’s all He was told by God, no other details. Did He obey not knowing how long it would be before He ate anything? Maybe He didn’t know it was meant to be a time of preparation, a time to settle things with His enemy, the tempter who came to Him when He was most vulnerable. What did He do with those long solitary hours? Did He wake up each morning, after sleeping on a rock and wonder if this would be the last day?

If I was told, “go into the wilderness for 40 days,” how would I feel about that? That is a long time to not be doing anything productive, a month and a half. But if I knew God was calling me to that, would I go willingly, begrudgingly, fearfully, expectantly?

Well, guess what? I do have to go into a “wilderness” for 40 days (42, to be exact). I was able to see my local doctor for another x-ray and treatment plan as soon as we returned to North Carolina. She put me in a walking cast and told me to not drive for 6 weeks. I had a trip planned with my family to the beach for the first week of that, which was a wonderful distraction. My daughter drove me (we had wonderful conversations!) and played the “Queen Bee” role I usually play, taking care of all the shopping, cooking and organizing. It was a beautiful week of enjoying the beach from the deck.

But here I sit at home, on day 16, feeling like I’m not going to make it to 42. I would not say that I am being very Christ-like about being still, being unproductive, being home, being dependent on others to take care of me.

Again, Psalm 46 comes to mind: “Be still and know that I am God” (Ps. 46:10). The New American Standard translation says, “Stop striving and know that I am God.”

Be still: sit, quiet your mind, be at peace. Stop striving: don’t try to achieve, be productive, or please anyone. Both ideas are quite difficult. Even writing this right now seems like I am breaking the rules.

Can God love me if I’m still like this? If I’m not accomplishing anything? Especially for the Kingdom?

What if just being, listening and looking for God’s presence in the quiet is good enough?

This pilgrimage is turning out to be maybe more than I bargained for. But am I here for it and ready to listen and grow?