The day before my 63rd birthday last month, I had a 30-minute compete blackout, called Transient Global Amnesia. I spent the first few hours of my morning normally, and drove to one of our job sites about a mile away. I don’t remember arriving. I don’t remember walking around the house, other than a few punctuated moments (the deck boards look wrong, that’s the mudroom).

Apparently, I wandered through the house and called my husband three times, got back in my car and started coming out of it while on a fourth call with him. He said I became more frantic each time we talked, and that I was very confused. I do remember on that last phone call telling him that I was sitting in front of a house I thought we were building, and that I recognized a landmark nearby, and that I wanted him to stay on the phone with me until he arrived. I had not fallen or bumped my head, evidenced by the lack of any bumps or scrapes, and my clothes were not dirty. I felt like I was sleepwalking. Once Kirk got there, I just wanted to go home and get a drink of water. Little by little I started to emerge from a weird fog.

He called our kids and they all pleaded with him to take me to the ER, worried about stroke. But I didn’t have the signs of stroke. I talked to a nurse, and eventually we did go to the hospital. I had a CT scan, an EKG, bloodwork, urinalysis, all which came back normal.

The ER doctor did say that stress can cause strange things. He encouraged me to talk to a therapist. I went home and slept off what felt like a weird brain hangover. I spent all week just staying home and resting and not driving.

As I think about it now, I am reminded how God is in complete control of my life and not me. It is not unlike the earthquake experience, when something came over me that was totally out of my control, and then continued to be out of my control in terms of rescue. I remember being keenly aware that I had zero control over my situation and was fully dependent on others to rescue me. The TGA was similar.

Several action points came out of this event, wake-up-call-style. I have pondered my plate. What is on my plate? Many of us feel that we can keep going at the pace we’ve always gone at, juggling many balls, multi-tasking endlessly, functioning on little sleep. But age is definitely a factor worth considering, and maybe I can’t do all those things I used to do. And certainly not with the excellence I used to. I listed out the many things, assigned them a priority and started off-loading a few.

Finding a doctor to talk to about this was difficult because I don’t have a primary care physician. My kids were adamant that we nail this down. We are not ones to do annual physicals, take medications, or fuss about our health in any way other than preventive - exercise, sleep, eating well. That is going to change. I made some appointments and got the ball rolling on a PCP.

Curiously, I was reading a book about hospice care and we had just returned from a trip to see my in-laws who are struggling in their independence of late. We scheduled a meeting with an estate attorney, something we’ve been talking about for ages, and started the ball rolling on setting up a living trust.

We asked our kids if they would be willing to have a big “talk” when we were all going to be together next, which was in about a week. This was probably one of the most beautiful times we have spent with our kids. What a joy to see them all growing so wise, and so lovingly caring for us and each other! We talked about what happened to me, their fears and frustrations, we listened to their suggestions and requests, and told them about the living trust. We discussed the idea of hospice care, and other end-of-life scenarios. We talked about the value of suffering, the value of letting the young care for the old when that time comes. About dying well. What a precious moment with our people. We listened to them. They asked us questions. We hoped that in initiating this difficult conversation, they will always feel welcome to talk to us about the hard things, and that it will set a pattern for their futures as well.

I had no control over what happened to me. I was fully dependent on someone else to rescue me. I want my life to be marked dependence on God. He gives us some autonomy, but it is actually a privilege to be reminded that I am fully dependent on Him, and His body (the people he has put in our lives). I can see this event as a gift. I feel grateful to be alive and sound mind and body!